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I recently got in touch with my uncle's ex-wife, my Aunt L. I figure she's still my aunt, even if they divorced years ago. She's the mother of two of my cousins. She's been dishing about her life, which has been handy for clarifying and correcting information on that side of the family tree.
Yesterday I learned that my maternal grandmother committed suicide. I always thought it was odd that she died the same day my grandfather died. She was 10 years younger than him. My mother told me they both died of cancer, which is apparently untrue.
Aunt L says: "He [my maternal grandfather] died of cancer, R [my maternal grandmother] called M [my cousin, who is 4 years older than me] to come over as he was at home and she was afraid he was dying. When M went in confirmed he was gone, and went to the other room to call the police and hospice who had been taking care of him she went into the bedroom and shot herself in the head. I'm in SJ, M is with your grandparents at their home in Marina and being handcuffed by the police due to the shooting. I called B [my uncle, her ex-husband](a huge rarity) finally got thru the wife and got him on the phone and explained the situation - he didn't want to go there as he wasn't talking to them. Finally agreed and went and explained the situation, as well as the hospice nurse showing up and saying yes Mrs. M always talked about suicide if he died before she did.... It was truly an ugly, ugly situation. They were both cremated and their ashes scattered down the Big Sur Coast where they used to go for a ride most evenings and listen to the opera which she loved. Hope you have heard some version of this before, if not hope you are not too shocked. Don't know if your Mom even knows about how this happened or if Bill ever told her."
This isn't as much of a shock as you might expect. That side of the family is filled with mental illness, secrets and lies. My grandmother gave birth to my uncle when she was 17 -- that was under age to marry in California, and I've never been able to find her marriage license in all my genealogical research. My mother thinks she must have lied about her age and/or name to marry.
Still. I'm not in shock as such -- it's more just trying to process. These are grandparents I never met. I know there was stuff wrong with them I know my mother grew to adulthood with all kinds of issues of her own, which she took out on me, my sister, my father, and others. When does mental illness in a family get fixed? I'm so glad that neither I nor my sister chose to have children. I suffer enough with biolar depression, and I wouldn't want to visit that on anyone else.
How terrible of my grandmother to visit that upon her grandson. How terribly, terribly selfish.
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Actually, as I read this, I was thinking that it was quite true -- his cancer killed the both of them, in a way.
But as much as I can understand that, I can't imagine leaving someone I had any feelings for in a position where they had to deal with the aftermath. I'm sure that, in her mind, she didn't see a legal risk because of her conversations with the hospice nurse -- but I also suspect that her mind wasn't quite processing in a fully logical fashion. How sad for all of your family.
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I agree with the writer who said that cancer did kill both of them. I agree that suicide is never the answer. And we really don't know what was in her heart. I can imagine a picture of a woman who couldn't see a life without her spouse.
We often find things in our history that are not easy to swallow. I discovered that my Father's grandfather lived only blocks away from him. He never knew him. His Father told him he was dead. But in fact he lived with one of his daughters and died when my Father was a teenager. We can't mfi d out from the people of our past why things happened and have to cope with the information without their personal information.
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