More pondering and stuff

[chickgonebad]

I’ve been thinking a lot, but doing, not so much.

Dealing with a lot of pain and fatigue.

Thinking isn’t all bad. I mean, I get ideas.

I still want to pick apart the video for “A Different Story.” As I said to R, I feel kind of a kinship with Peter Schilling, perhaps because of bipolar disorder. He had to be committed briefly. I know that magicians swim where madmen drown and all that, but madness may sometimes be what happens when one understands too much too soon.

Can’t be too soon for me. I am already 50. I only have but so much time left on this planet. Admittedly I want to live to be at least 93, but wanting and doing are not the same thing.

Anyway, a friend once described K&C as getting a full download of all the world’s knowledge, all at once. Wouldn’t that make someone crazy, if that person wasn’t ready for that knowledge?

Do I think I will go crazy, as some say Fr. Achad did? Nah. Do I think I’m sane by “normal” standards? Probably not. On the other hand, my prescribing psychiatrist seems to think I’ve got a good head on my shoulders. Maybe I am swimming. The trouble is I need to move on to the deep end if I’m to get anything serious done.

So, for now.

1. Journal dreams. I haven’t remembered dreams in forever. I need to do that. My dreams have always been amazingly useful. They give me premonitions and they are often better guides to what I need to do than almost anything else.


2. Get back to some basic everyday practices that I’ve let fall by the wayside. It’s all very well to devote myself to my job and my health, but there are limits. I can’t just do those things. They matter to me, obviously, or I wouldn’t work on them. I just need to get back to the Work.


3. Do I want to do the Abramelin working or something like it? I think so. I like my HGA. I’d like to get to know him better.


4. I’d also like just to spend more time doing magick. I like magick.


5. I might want to work more on goetia. I mean, I’ve only done a little, and I feel that with it comes the possibility of hubris. The power to command spirits is heady. But come on, everyone has that power. Using it without losing my head about it would be wise. I’m 90% sure that’s something I have to be able to do effectively to accomplish the Great Work.


6. I want to be a better couponer. Not that we are penniless or anything, but the money I save on groceries is money I can spend on travel.

I always feel like an idiot writing down my "deep thoughts" because in the world there are no new ideas, and someone very likely thought the same things before I did. What's "aha!" to me is no doubt "duh!" to another.

I friended my aunt (one of my mother's brother's many ex-wives) and cousin on Facebook. Of course my aunt immediately asked about my mother. I responded with contact information but was as noncommittal as I could be, because she doesn't need to know I've decided just not to communicate with my mother anymore if I can help it.

I’m sure I had other thoughts, but “Beautiful Creatures” was on TV and I wanted to watch it. 

Comments

[ladyeuthanasia.livejournal.com]

::HUGS::

I often feel the same way about journaling, but it's vital for my mental healing process. It may look like the metallic pan after getting my ear wax cleaned out, but man do I hear better for it!

Also: "...madness may sometimes be what happens when one understands too much too soon." I've encountered this on a deep level. So far, so good, but it's been a rough road. I think your comments on the video would be enlightening.

[kakurowski.livejournal.com]

Cool that you're finding a refocus of personal goals and reviving things that excite you. I think the craziness is optional if you have relatively-sane-but-open-to-alternative-realities people with whom you can safely discuss experiences. You are a sensible and wise person --- ok, usually. You are also very silly, which I like.

I've been working at a couple things on your list too. I've started some fruity journaling, reviving some foundational practices, and trying to be a better couponer too. Are there even coupons in the paper anymore? Looks like everything requires online accounts these days.

Writing down dreams is the hardest on that list, IMO. I find magicians recall things in such detail that one can be writing for a really long time, especially with recalling multiple dreams.